Of late, I have been thinking a lot about people like me who are - for want of a better word - 'driven'. What makes us this way? How do we interact with the rest of society and vice versa? And what do you do with someone who is driven?
Surely genes must play a role in making some so abnormally activity oriented. I mean, if you need convincing, just look at my family (actually, maybe don't...). As one (driven) friend put it: some dogs are bred (which species bred them huh?) to be fat and lazy, whilst working dogs don't stop. And just as humans 'designed' different dogs, God must have created us with different natures. Regardless of the cause, I'm certain a handful of humans can't help but be driven. And, contrary to how we feel sometimes, its not a bad thing.
You see, there is a stigma attached to being always motivated. I mean, you'll never hear 'Hi, I'm Esther and I'm driven', just as you'll never hear 'Hi, I'm Dana and I have depression'. Not wanting to blow our own trumpets we don't readily talk about about our multiple missions or latest commitments. We know we're not, but we want to seem 'normal'. Yet the more we don't say on the topic of driven-ness (is that a word?), the more alienated we feel.
So, lets talk!
Disclaimer: This is not directed at anybody or any comment in particular - if you've said some of the following to me, relax and know 1) I probably don't remember it specifically, cos 2) It probably wasn't just you.
1. Don't tell us to slow down or rest.
I'm not saying we shouldn't slow down or rest. But after being told this for some two decades, does it look like its worked? Telling a driven person to 'Just say no', 'You need to slow down', or 'You should get some rest' is like telling an obese, KCF/gaming addict to 'Just go vegan and run a marathon!'. Or telling your grandpa who's smoked a-pack-a-day for half a century to 'Just quit!'
For all the speed in our lives, this type of change comes slowly, from within.
2. More than help, we want to be understood.
We know society at large doesn't 'get' us. But some at least try, whilst others make us feel like black sheep, albeit unknowingly.
Believe it or not, responses like: 'OH MY GOSH you ran TWENTY-ONE KMS during lockdown, just 'cos'?'; 'You did EXTRA NIGHT SHIFTS on your days off, are you CRAZY??'; 'How will you manage yet ANOTHER volunteer role?' just don't make me want to share these 'normal' aspects of my life.
But instead, responses such as: 'Amazing effort! Where did you run and what was your speed?'; 'Cool, any interesting cases overnight?'; 'What compels you to volunteer and why this role?' are telling - they tell you more about me; they tell me I'm accepted by you.
3. But, you can still help.
Driven people will rarely ask for ask for assistance. Either we don't think we need it or we believe we're beyond help. But, you can still help. The trick is knowing how.
i) Be specific and concrete. Don't say 'Let me know anytime how I can help'. We won't. We're too preoccupied trying to help others to think of how you might help us. Instead say: 'I'll do a school pickup next week, tell me which day and where'. Or: 'I'm doing a market run - let me know what you need by 8am'. Or: 'I'll notify everyone of the event, by the weekend. Give me the updated list of members'.
ii) Be subtle yet forceful: 'This committee meeting doesn't really involve your area of the club, why don't you just give it a miss and I'll send you the minutes?'. Roster us on to start an hour later occasionally, or send us home early if work is quiet.
We might give you a dirty look, but inside we're breathing a sigh of relief.
4. Know that we love you.
Doubting that we do is understandable when we rush in late, forget to reply, can't find time for a coffee date in the next month or seem more interested in coffee than conversation. This must be one of the most painful parts of the driven existence. The problem is, we're passionate about people and our projects. We love our family and friends, but also our multiple missions and latest commitments. Our hearts are big, each calendar square so small.
But believe that we love you; trust that we care.
In doing so, you might just help
Your Driven Friend.
